I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
