Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
