life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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