Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
