Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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