It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
