i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize