my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
