at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
