I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
