i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
