No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
