i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm at about main and main street
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Randomize
