She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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