i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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