I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
