proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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