I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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