I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
