She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
