I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
This couple is walking their pig around campus
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
