Where did you get a picture of my penis
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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