Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
