I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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