Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
