i don't plan on having that self control this summer
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
