You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
