even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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