The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
