I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize