Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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