Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
