That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
