I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
