RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
