Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
