If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
