I heard we made out
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
