16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
