Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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