saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
