is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
