the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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