Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
