Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
