I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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