You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Randomize
