we're blogging at a bar
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
