found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
