i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
