i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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