Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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