whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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