I am in a vortex of obligation.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
