I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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